#hairporn

Get hair so beautiful, G-men will be stealing your hair ribbons left and right!

Margaret Schroder’s curls are remarkably simple, even if you have obstinately straight hair. The only tools you need are foam rollers (which you can get a 6-pack of at CVS for $2.00 or a 16 for $8) and some sort of mousse.

1. In the shower, comb conditioner through your hair with a comb or brush. Add mousse on the ends of your hair and don’t put any in the crown. Combing your hair in the shower and letting it dry with mousse brings out any natural waves you might have.

2. Let air-dry until almost completely dry. Heat takes the shine and softness out of hair because it weakens the shaft, and Margaret’s hair is shiny and thick. If you’re not going to sleep in the rollers, let hair completely dry.

3. Part your hair where your eyebrow begins (from the middle). She has a slight side-part.

4. Section your hair into top and bottom layers. Pin the top out of the way.

5. Alternate rolling sections clockwise and counter-clockwise. Rolling a roller downwards (as if trying to make hair that curls under) creates a looser, wavier curl. Rolling a roller upwards (as if trying to make your hair into a 60s flip) makes Mary Pickford ringlets.

6. Use the majority of your rollers on the bottom. Margaret’s hair is mostly straight near the crown except for shorter angles around her face.

7. Unpin the top layer. Use 2-3 rollers on the crown for fullness and 2 near the face. The rollers on your crown should sit perpendicularly on your head and face, i.e. you should see the whole roller facing you in the mirror. (Trust me: it’s going to look pretty spinsterish.)

8. For tight curls, sleep. For whatever you have time for, 2-3 hours. I mean, you spend that much screwing around on the internet anyway.

9. Unwind the curls. Don’t tug them out. Unwind them in the opposite direction that they were rolled.

10. Don’t use hairspray. I mean, do whatever, but her hair is really soft and feminine, not crunchy/sticky.

11. (optional) Date a string of physically, mentally, and/or emotionally abusive men. Have two children. Have a brother in the IRA. Be conflicted.